Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
