9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
