Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
