I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize