this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
