I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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