bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
