God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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