i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
