You can't special order awesome
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
