you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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