They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
