Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
