yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
