The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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