Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
