There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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