What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Randomize
