Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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