Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize