I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
