remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
