so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
