Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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