I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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