Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Bang-toberfest begins!!
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
