I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
