New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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