he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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