I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize