rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
