my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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