OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize