I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
