Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
