Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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