I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
