if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
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