This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
