guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
