Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
