OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
