update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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