census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
