My sheets look like a crime scene.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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