1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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