I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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