Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
