Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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