Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Randomize