I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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