Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize