Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
