Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
