i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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