mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Did I show you my penis last night?
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
