I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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