I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
