oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
he shaved USA in his pubs
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize