i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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